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New Year Resolutions: How to stick to them

T’is the season to start thinking about becoming a newer and improved version of ourselves. As midnight chimes through on the 31st of December 2016 many of us pledge to commit to a cacophony of new and different things. These new ways of being include to lose weight, gain weight, find a partner, get divorced, earn more money, get a new job, quit smoking and the list goes on.

 

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We are resolute in our intention that this year it will be different. This year is the year we are more than ever committed to stick to the resolution. Come hell or high water! Our intention is signalled through our high-pitched intentions and persuasive ways we seek to reassure both ourselves and others that this is our year. This year it will happen. We pledge to stick to the diet for more than the few days until the first weekend of January. Or to not drink until the whole of January is over.  We will not eat any chocolate for the entire year or even for the rest of our lives. Regardless if it’s green and black 72%. We are D O N E.  It’s game over.

 

Forgot the resolutions. They don’t work. Santa’s also not real.

 

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There’s a significant difference between goal setting and new year resolutions. The later I wouldn’t bother with.  Why? Because people who make resolutions don’t stick to them. Why? Because a resolution is like a boat with no engine or oars. How so? These types of pseudo goals are generally fear filled, emotional based choices that serve to create a feeling of lack vs opportunity. They are superficial and without any real substance. Substance? Yes. For a goal to become real and achievable we are required to look for the juice. The resonance. The core deep inside of you reason why your goal is so important.

 

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Let’s take the scenario of you choosing to lose weight starting at midnight 2016. So, what’s different this time? You’ve tried a thousand times before I’m assuming. The public pledges on Facebook from you that scream; this year will be different; they clearly are not working as you’re back again with the same stories.  Maybe not surprising to you as it’s obvious by doing the same thing year after year you’re getting no different results.  To affect change, we need to do something different.  We need to locate the engine and oars in the boat. We do this by reminding ourselves what’s the deep inside of us motivation? The reason you are choosing to eat healthy? The reason you want to give up smoking. The reason you want to earn more money. Dig deep. What we you come up with needs to be unique, resonant and perfect for you.  Saying it’s to look good is superficial and top line. You need to crack the surface and look deeper inside. Meditate. Sit in nature. No technological distractions. No fear filled responses e.g. I want to lose weight as my husband will fancy me again. Sit in your power. The power of love and kindness to self. I recently hired a personal trainer and explained I wanted to lose weight. He laughed and told me not to waste his time. He reminded me I was 43 and he was sure I had said this same story a thousand times to both myself and other trainers. Of course, he was correct. He pissed me off (my ego was at play) but he was right. So, I dug deeper inside of me to access my engine. From a place of self-love, I sought to access my why.  And eventually with patience my reason popped into my head. I have never in my life worn a bikini and in six months’ time have planned two Caribbean holidays. We discussed how I’d imagine feeling in that bikini. My thoughts were so resonate I created goose bumps.  Every time I now want to waver from my goal I remember my reason why. I want to serve my body and mind with wholesome and clean thoughts, experiences and food.  All my fuel for a fun filled fulfilled life.

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So, create your goals/ resolutions right now.

 

Be clear on your why

 

Set a time frame

 

Hold yourself accountable with regular updates to people who care you live your dreams.

 

Happy holidays.

 

 

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The Romance of Vacations

 

 

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Imagine today you wake up from your delicious slumber to discover you won a holiday.  Hoorah? For some, a vacation is considered as a stressful time.  So, I’m creating some rules to ensure your trip is inspired based on you getting what you need.  Architecture? Adventure or perhaps relaxation?  Whatever makes your heart sing, you got it.

 

The rules; your budget is unlimited; you can take whomever you wish and there will be no consequences.  No one will judge you, blame or shame you.   You can travel wherever you wish in the world and for however long you chose.  (Please do drop your travel goal details in the comments section below this column.  Stay anonymous if it serves you).

 

This exercise involves you creating a personal reality based on what you need and want right now. I’ll go first.

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I’m drawn to being quiet and tranquil.  It’s been a busy start to the year with my training and various business interests and my wish is to be enveloped within a place of wellbeing and warm energy.  I’d chose to travel with a fellow coach who embodies my same values of calm and compassion.  We’re both believers in the value of freedom and honor this within ourselves and each other. I’ve heard of an incredible wellbeing spa in Arizona called Miraval spa that is favored by Oprah and other spiritual beings.  It sits along one of the most powerfully energetic fault lines in our planet which has a whole range of health benefits. I’d chose for us to travel first class and to recharge for 7 days, door to door. Boom.

 

I’m also feeling like a little romance and would love to travel to the Hamptons in America with my love.  To sit and be silly together alongside the shoreline at Sag harbor.  Watching the boats bobbing across the wiggly waves.  To tuck into a fizzy glass of rose champagne and a lobster roll while seated at one of their beachside elegant restaurants.  Chatting, being silly and laughing about life, for 3 days.

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I’d then take the jet to Florida and meet my beautiful son where we’d tour Disney land with his nanny, my mother and our favorite friends and family.  All expanses paid for and unlimited ice-cream.  We’d sleep in the Disney themed hotel, dress up in silly Mickey ears and zip around the park doing whatever my son wishes for.   This is a time for connection and fun.  Watching and learning more about what floats Pierce’s boats and makes him laugh from his belly.  4 days.

 

This is my version of romance.  When I’m as real as possible is when I feel alive and filled with love.  And when you’re not, it creates enormous unhappiness.

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Happy travels.

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New Year: All Change

 

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A new year is dawning in our not too distant future and this can be a key time for so many of us for so many different reasons.  Below I’ve answered some of the most common questions I get asked around this time of year.

 

I can’t afford.. a new party outfit/to throw a party/to celebrate the way my partner wants us to.

You obviously do have money as are alive and therefore have some money.  With the money you have, notice the different ways you chose to allocate your finances and consider if this month you might chose to spend less on something else in order to free up some money for an outfit/party.  When I hear people complain abut lack of money, I encourage them to notice that it has always been their choice how they chose to prioritise their finances. If you are choosing not to purchase a new outfit for a NYE party it may be because you have chosen different priorities for your money vs. the default thought you cannot afford it.    Less victim, more awareness of different choices available

 

When I look back over my year nothing’s changed.  Same partner, same life.

New work opportunities, new types of friends, new toys, and new experiences are all available to us when we change our thinking.  Change starts from the inside and then via our choices, affects what we see outside of ourselves.  Know that your thoughts affect your choices and these affect your experiences that affect your emotions and the cycle continues.  Nothing will change outside of yourself until you change your faulty thinking.  Hire a coach

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I’m a loser. I have no party to go to NYE/No one to spend it with/I want to stay at home.

Your choices have got you right where you are and with this awareness you may well be your own version of a loser.  Or not.  Let this sentiment propel you into action.  The action of a new way of being.  A new way of thinking.  Whatever you’re choosing to do and think right now, do and think something completely different.  Maybe staying at home is the perfect loving choice for you.

 

I feel obliged to accept a party invitation for fear of upsetting the hosts.

But you’re happy to upset yourself?  The person you live with 24 hours a day and 365 days a year.  I wonder how you self talk?  What are your beliefs? I must suck it up? Deal with it? Put up and shut up for the sake of peace?  This is the moment you need to get out of the way of yourself.  To stop blocking your own sparkle and to remove the mask of BS you chose to wear.  I dare YOU to courageously SUCK IT UP and decline the invitation and DEAL with the consequences like the powerful being you truly are.

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Let your fireworks sparkle daily friends.  Have fun and feel passion in each and every moment.  See you in 2017.

 

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The Season of Good will? Are you the Grinch or Mary Christmas?

 

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What does the mention of Christmas bring up for you? Mary Christmas or the Grinch? There’s generally two camps with regards this holiday period and we either love it or we loathe it.

 

The Mary Christmas love it gang, revel in experiences such as visiting Santa Claus in Lapland, basking in sunny climes, spending sacred time honouring Christ’s alleged birth, family time with nearest and dearest and enjoying the giving and receiving of gifts. For the Grinch group this holiday marks emotional pressure, compromise about whom to spend the day with. Arguments about money and conflict between partners over access to kids. The holiday doesn’t vibe with this tribe.

 

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My post is specifically designed for the Grinch’s out there and if you commit to using my simple tips, I guarantee you’ll enjoy a different experience this year. Remember Einstein’s definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. We need to change things up if we want different outcomes.

 

  1. If someone is intent on getting their own way at the expense of yours they’re either under the age of 5 or have complete disrespect and disregard for your needs. If their only care is to get what they want, irrespective of how you end up feeling, at this point you might want to question why this person is in your life. (unless the person is under 5.)

 

  1. Activate your listening ears and listen to understand what your loved ones want vs. listening to construct an answer. Is there a happy ground for you to both meet on that sees no one feeling compromised and manipulated but instead both feeling emotionally abundant? The Trump/ Clinton US political debates are a perfect example of how not to listen.

 

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  1. You are allowed to wave goodbye to anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries without apology. Be clear on what you will accept and tolerate and express it so all are clear. I have a personal rule about pessimists and gossips, I politely decline their fabulous invitation graciously. No thanks.

 

  1. Don’t take anything personally. Everyone is fighting some emotional battle. Know this to be true. People are able to display compassion and empathy relative to how they are able to interpret and understand their own feelings. Emotionally dysfunctional people need more support. It’s not you, it’s them.

 

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  1. Express your needs and know it’s not your responsibility to explain your reasons to anyone but yourself.

 

  1. Some things are best not to spread too thin; yourself and nutella.

 

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Your dirty mind is making you fat – Not your food.

 

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Food is not what’s making you fat, your mind is. Specifically your dirty thoughts.

 

The dirty mind, as defined by the urban dictionary..’Prone to seeing the kinky aspect of everything..’ This may be relevant for the Killing Kittens clique, but I’m referencing for you, a mind set vs. sexual orientation. My version of a dirty mind, for the purpose of this article, is a mind filled with unchallenged, learned, limiting beliefs and thoughts that no longer serve your current values, dreams, goals and plans. A cluttered mind filled with other peoples fear filled stories you’ve long ago chosen as your truths. Piled with stinky unresolved shame and guilt, this type of mind is the home of negative inner dialogue (the I should and I can’t tribe). An added burden to the stench from the thoughts, beliefs and stories of this filthy minded group of humans, is their related choices and behaviour. Prone to picking inappropriate partners, people pleasing in order to avoid confrontation, over eating, body shaming, having affairs and playing small in life. This type of behaviour is characteristic of the victim. The dirty minded version.

 

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The clean mind is our ultimate way of being and preference. This tribe are characterised as the victors and seek fulfilment via their passionate way of being. Their clean mind contains a freshly laundered selection of beliefs and stories that serve them via a love inspired filter from which their powerful choices and intentional behaviour are born. This sparkly clean thinking tribe have ejected any learned and limiting beliefs such as I can’t and I should and replaced them with new beliefs designed to help them stretch and grow emotionally, spiritually and financially. I can and a deep understanding of their why, are drivers for their intentional behaviour. With a clean mind, regardless of shape, size or weight, they feel grateful and loving as self worth and esteem is always linked to being loving, accepting and kind. This tribe intuitively know what they feel like eating and exactly the amount to satisfy themselves without over filling. They make good food choices that serve to feed and nourish their soul and positive inner dialogue. They’re energised by the nutritious food they feed themselves. Why? Because this clean minded tribe hold a belief they deserve the best of a wonderful life.

 

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Remember, if you are seeking happiness (it starts with a clean mind), looking for it via diets, plastic surgery, handbags and shoes is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches to your body.

 

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Happiness is an inside job.

 

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How utterly fabulous, is the high-speed Virgin train from Wilmslow to London Euston. Delivering me direct from bedtime stories with Pierce to cocktails at my favourite London club, Hertford Street, in just over two hours. Right into the arms of my gloriously generous friend who commented on how beautiful I am. Wowzers! My revelling was cut short by her completion of my compliment as she looked in the direction of my clothes: ‘..but you’ve given up.’. Given up, what the f***!

With my several years of behavioural training I’m versed to understand people’s perceptions are contained within two camps; either projections/assumptions/judgments revealing what’s unresolved within the vendor or feedback with the intention of empowerment and acknowledgment to an other. As a woman on a mission to grow behaviourally, while my emotionally fashionable group jived to Calvin Harris’s latest ditty alongside Prince Harry, I delved into my two-step emotional checklist to begin my growth process.

  1. Listen to understand vs. to formulate what to say next.

My friend was offering me feedback and has my best interests at heart. If she would have been projecting, having a conversation in a club to clarify and avoid any misunderstandings is not an efficient place. Wait until you’re both in a quiet and calm environment.

  1. Is there a resonance/truth to the words spoken that can lead to a better understanding of self?

 

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Granted no one is awarding me a prize for most fashionable apparel choices, but have I given up? No! My intention is to feel well groomed and I vary my favoured colours of navy, grey and black to assist with my embodiment of elegance and simplicity. (As do Angelina Jolie and the late Steve Jobs!) I’m content to buy from a wide range of quality brands as long as they’re housed under one roof or available online. Cue Harrods, Hoopers and TKmaxx. Do I care about the labels in the clothes? They simply serve to speed up my buying process, which is not my favourite way to spend time. My aim is for them to be of high quality and to fit me perfectly.

So to the original point of giving up, this is my definitive list, of ways of being, to give up:

Drive by unsolicited opinions, Judgement of others, Jealousy of another person’s designer wardrobe or anything, Using shopping and spending as a diversion to avoid addressing inner turmoil.

 

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The good news? When we give something up we create a recalibration opportunity. In the place of the above we make room for acknowledgment, acceptance, love, understanding and compassion. The TRUTH of our being and who we are.

 

Happy shopping.

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The Marriage of Loving Self first.

 

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Marriage. What are your thoughts on this age-old, love inspired, vow riddled, legal union? Dickensian or desirable?

 

I was raised to believe, I would become relevant as an adult, only post marriage. This was the story I subconsciously chose to believe and that my actions and behaviour were filtered via. My parents placed less emphasis on my career ambitions or freedom value and continued to steer me diligently toward their opinion of the winning goal: marriage.

 

In my early twenties, I married a lovely chap. Partly to frustrate my parents as my father wasn’t enamoured by my choice and partly as my beau needed help with his visa. It rightly ended in a divorce several years later but interestingly highlighted that the marriage stories I had lived out my life via, were never mine. They belonged to my parents. Who by the way generally disliked each other.  The irony. I was making choices based on other people’s fear filled stories.

 

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So part of my work as a coach is to affect change in behaviour by replacing out of date, limiting beliefs no longer serving us with ones that do. Here goes.

 

My old dinosaur love/marriage stories:

  • Self worth: I am only relevant when in a relationship/married. Being single means there is something wrong with me
  • Financial security: Despite the fact I was financially secure and earned more than my then husband, men are a form of security as are providers.
  • Emotional stability: My soul mate will complete me

 

What a load of twaddle. I wonder if any of the above three beliefs resonate with you either now or in your past? If so, call me pronto and book a coaching session.

 

So fast-forward 15 years and a tonne of introspection work and do I live like this now? NO! I’ve replaced my parent’s stories with new ones that work to serve my needs and me.

 

New love stories

  • I will meet my life partner when I’ve first, learnt to love myself and second, when the universe considers it time for me to form a permanent union. Until then I’m busy living.
  • I no longer place the pressure of providing onto the man as I respect and am proud I earn my own money
  • I will meet an equal. Not necessarily equal in earnings, looks or skills, but our values and goals will be aligned. We will be committed to communicate and listen to each other in order to understand with compassion.

 

These are my new beliefs/stories I chose to live by when I think about marriage. And yes, one day I will marry again. It’s unlikely to be contained in a legal format but will be centred around a loving group intent to celebrate the union of two unique and separate minds and souls.