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The Marriage of Loving Self first.

 

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Marriage. What are your thoughts on this age-old, love inspired, vow riddled, legal union? Dickensian or desirable?

 

I was raised to believe, I would become relevant as an adult, only post marriage. This was the story I subconsciously chose to believe and that my actions and behaviour were filtered via. My parents placed less emphasis on my career ambitions or freedom value and continued to steer me diligently toward their opinion of the winning goal: marriage.

 

In my early twenties, I married a lovely chap. Partly to frustrate my parents as my father wasn’t enamoured by my choice and partly as my beau needed help with his visa. It rightly ended in a divorce several years later but interestingly highlighted that the marriage stories I had lived out my life via, were never mine. They belonged to my parents. Who by the way generally disliked each other.  The irony. I was making choices based on other people’s fear filled stories.

 

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So part of my work as a coach is to affect change in behaviour by replacing out of date, limiting beliefs no longer serving us with ones that do. Here goes.

 

My old dinosaur love/marriage stories:

  • Self worth: I am only relevant when in a relationship/married. Being single means there is something wrong with me
  • Financial security: Despite the fact I was financially secure and earned more than my then husband, men are a form of security as are providers.
  • Emotional stability: My soul mate will complete me

 

What a load of twaddle. I wonder if any of the above three beliefs resonate with you either now or in your past? If so, call me pronto and book a coaching session.

 

So fast-forward 15 years and a tonne of introspection work and do I live like this now? NO! I’ve replaced my parent’s stories with new ones that work to serve my needs and me.

 

New love stories

  • I will meet my life partner when I’ve first, learnt to love myself and second, when the universe considers it time for me to form a permanent union. Until then I’m busy living.
  • I no longer place the pressure of providing onto the man as I respect and am proud I earn my own money
  • I will meet an equal. Not necessarily equal in earnings, looks or skills, but our values and goals will be aligned. We will be committed to communicate and listen to each other in order to understand with compassion.

 

These are my new beliefs/stories I chose to live by when I think about marriage. And yes, one day I will marry again. It’s unlikely to be contained in a legal format but will be centred around a loving group intent to celebrate the union of two unique and separate minds and souls.

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Nick

    I think that many men do not grow up with the same belief system, so are less reliant on marriage to fulfil their life. In fact it is often the opposite, marriage will signal the end of your ‘free’ life. So it’s weird really because before marriage men spend their time chasing women, but then comes a time when it kinda reverses and women chase down a husband! What’s ironic in my case is that I wasn’t more confident because I didn’t need a wife to fulfil me, I just replaced ‘wife/husband’ for ‘friends’!

    • Thanks for your honesty and openness. I remain a huge fan of yours. My wish for you is all of your needs, hopes and dreams are met and that you give yourself full permission to receive them.

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