Am I a lesbian? Do I turn into a pyscho when at home behind closed doors? Might I need to lower my high standards? Am I intimidating to the opposite sex? You’d be forgiven for thinking these were questions from an unscrupulous version of a Meyers Briggs type personality profile. Wrong.
As a child, I was repeatedly reminded by my strict Jewish, Catholic parents to marry the first rich man I was intimate with. So in my early twenties I went on to marry a South African bartender whose visa was about to expire. I missed the memo explaining good relationships require good people to be in them and ‘good’ in this context refers to having an understanding of one self. My twenties were focused on my marriage and living my work dream which left me no time to figure out what I needed or wanted in order to feel ‘good’ or fulfilled. I remember feeling very helpless in this relationship and wondering how was I supposed to support the needs of another when I had little grasp of supporting and nurturing my own?
I woke up one day and instinctively knew change was required. I had an out dated belief I was incomplete without a partner and knew this wasn’t working for me. I wanted to figure out who I was and it was at this point I committed to invest time to figure out my inner workings. What did it feel like to be comfortable and content in my own skin vs. relying on the support of another? Particularly without the distraction of work, shopping, social media or the plethora of external distractions we create to avoid feeling the quiet. The possibility of loneliness. Would I cope with attending wedding and dinner invitations by myself? Going to the movies and scoffing popcorn solo? Eating in a restaurant and being OK surrounded by couples and groups? Learning to trust my own opinion without requiring the validation of another? Discovering that I’m perfectly capable of surviving financially alone without the seeming security blanket of a man to ‘protect’?
My path led me to start retraining as a counsellor and then a high performance coach. Traveling alone to Peru and working in an orphanage. Declining party invites in exchange for nights in reading. Making new friends and I learned being single requires an additional resilience and strength and is to be commended. It absolutely doesn’t’ mean I’m a high maintenance, intimidating lesbian. Hoorah! A ‘good’ relationship with a partner is a glorious gift, not to be viewed as an essential like oxygen, food or shelter. But before any mutual magic can muster, a good relationship with ourselves is the priority to master. Cultivated through practising self-care and love, we then open ourselves to the possibility of attracting an equal to co create our dreams and feel fulfilled alongside. Good.
I am a qualified life coach and passionate about inspiring change in people who want to become even more brilliant versions of themselves. Email me if you want inspiration to change something in your life: firstname.lastname@example.org