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‘..I am Simply Perfect…being complicated’ As is the intellectually challenged leopard-loving woman pictured below.


Today I am feeling inspired by me.  Like a lunar eclipse, this happens only occasionally so today I am celebrating me and all the other simply perfect and complicated people in my world.

My truth is, I believe we’re all ..’Simply perfectly complicated individuals..’  My view is we’re all perfectly flawed individuals, each striving for our version of a perfect life.  And boy does life occasionally get complicated.  ‘Hoorah’ I cheer, in support of this opportunity.  Is everyone now Cristal clear about my view of ‘..Simply perfectly complicated..’ and what it means to me? But importantly, what does it mean to you?  Have you ever considered what the perfect job, the perfect relationship, the perfect life all mean to you?


I strive for simplicity in my life.  Keeping things simple is always my ultimate goal and   KISS is one of my favourite phrases: keep it simple stupid.  Simplicity is my perfect state. Aaaaahhhhh.  But how do life’s inevitable complicated paths affect your perfect theory? Kids, ex’s, money?  Does complicated fill you with fear? Or like me you deem it part of the journey.  And aren’t simple and complicated oxymoron’s?  How does that work and what do these words even mean to you? For me, the more ‘..Simply perfectly complicated..’ people/life is, the more interesting it is.  I’m having an Albert Einstein  – slash  – Britain’s top model makeover moment.

Today I was sat with my perfectly complicated pal, in the perfect backdrop of C4’s favourite location, the Bluebird, sipping on my perfectly frothy skinny cappuccino when something dawned on me.   (I was momentarily distracted as the perfect Jodie Kidd stalked past me at about 8 feet tall.)   Girls spend an awful lot of time talking in circles about why their relationships/life is not perfect.  Perfect hula-hoop circles that is.  Circles that are endless with no start or finish that eventually lead us to feel nauseous, dizzy, generally confused and lacking clarity.  Or is that just me?  We were discussing why her boyfriend sucks.   Her opinion, not mine.  For me, the summary of our conversation could easily have reached a simple conclusion and quickly.  But she was emotionally struggling with her decision as to whether he was her perfect match.  She seemed to be comfortable by wallowing in these never ending circles of misery filled theories, views and opinion.  Interesting choice.


So in the spirit of perfection and my belief, simple is always best, I want to share with you my simple top tips for being in your perfect relationship. And this is dedicated to S.  But arret right there! Why am I equipped to be an authority on this subject I hear your roar?  I am not, is my simple sombre reply.  My qualification is that of an observer of life. Consider me, a peeping Tom.   Now, in the spirit of peeping Tom’s, albeit not the pervert type; let’s all put a sock in it and continue in silence please.

I genuinely believe relationships are simple and you can have your proverbial cake version of perfection so simply.  And then eat it!  Simple, stupid, SIMPLE.  Not difficult or complicated!   Life is and can be simple, if you choose this route.  Simple is best in my book.  Make your choice.  The opposite of simple is complicated.  Full of opportunities but more wrong paths to loose your way along.  Sucky and I like to keep focused so I’m going for the former.  Are you with me simpleton lovers?  Let me hear you say YES!

Simple relationship Rules to avoid complication and achieve our version of perfection:

1.     I want:

Remember as a kid we were taught to say, I would like.  Ditch it and replace with the tour de force of, I want.  Be clear on your bottom line.  I’m not talking P and L’s* here, I’m talking toilet seats left up, holiday choices, burping and farting, boy’s trips, my list goes on.  These do not faze me. (In fact scratch the burping and farting, I may get grumpy). But I do really care about other stuff including infidelity, lies, trust and respect and it’s mandatory to share the same big picture on marriage and starting a family.  Capiche? The later are my deal breakers.  My red carders.   Do you know how your list breaks down?  Write one now and be clear on what your deal breakers are.  Imagine working as an extra in London dungeons, that’s how it may feel should you decide to compromise on these.  Put yourself in Sinitta’s Louboutin’s and consider that empty feeling when she realised Simon would be financing another child and not only her lifestyle.  It would be akin to having your integrity purchased and paid for (by the Cowell meister).  Writing an, I want list is a simple process and these two lists, headed: Yes and No’s are all you will need to be clear about what is acceptable behaviour for you in your perfect version of simplifying an inevitably complicated relationship.  Boom.

2.     Expectations:

Someone recently asked me if my relationship expectations were too high and that was the reason I was single for so long.  Hell yes and Hell no: Muppet.  My backstory is simple: I am high maintenance and I own it.  Not necessarily financially but absolutely on an intellectual level.  I have an insatiable desire to understand why you behave the way you do.  Like a 5 year old, my quest for answers is endless and I regard life as one long learning opportunity. Sometimes this is exhausting for me and no doubt my partner, but I am genuinely excited about life and it’s prospects including any choppy complicated challenges that may arise.  Debt repayments anyone? The reason I was single for so long is that I, like us all, have life baggage and did occasionally pack the wrong choices in partners.  (These days I vacuum pack and am more discerning in my luggage/outfit selection.)  My innocent relationship related expectations have done no wrong by me; it was my self-respect that got all messed up and complicated my love process.  So back to the original question about expectations.  Yes, I have high expectations in relationships and I own it and them.   How are yours and are you owning what you need and want from your partner? FYI. There are no wrong and right answers to these questions and conundrums.  Leave your judgments at your perfect door in case you are viewing high expectations as being a bad thing. They are not and are perfectly acceptable.  We all have them.  (For any judgemental peeps; some people urinate on each other and get a kick out of it, suck on that expectation! My view is to focus on your own story and not others.) One of the keys to a happy relationship is to work to match your expectations with those of your partner and to decide which are nice to haves and which are need to haves.  As easy as 1 2 3.  Roger over and out.


3.     Lost in translation:

I absolutely believe men are from Mars and women are from Venus and I bloody love this theory.  I j’adore traditional and prefer my man to be just so.  Whatever blows your hair back hey?  Just own it amigos.   Again there are no right and wrong answers, only your own!  And unless you’re connected with some extreme fathers protest group, be confident your views are just fine and not biased based on whose financing you.  I am clear men and women fundamentally communicate from different planes.  So what does this mean?  Well, in the spirit of simplifying any complicated confusion that inevitably takes place; I like to ask my partner the following simple single question.  ‘..I heard you say….Is that what you mean?..’  I also ask him for the same question and summary back.  Which I am aware he finds incredibly patronising but fortunately isn’t a deal breaker for him.  So I continue in my quest for world peace regardless. Amen

4.     Mirror mirror on the wall:

If you consider your partner a beatch, annoying, emotionally retarded etc etc etc, you get the gist – it’s likely you are the sum total of whatever you’re spouting.  Ever heard the saying, if you can spot it, you probably got it?  Simon Cowell is able to spot talent as he’s done his time and is talented, Kerry Katona won’t ever make a talent judge. My reason for Kerry’s career route (or lack of) is too rude to print and I choose the Fifth Amendment.  Leave your opinions and judgements at the door ladies and gents.  At relationship argument/crisis point, by simply asking your partner; ‘..What can I do to help you or this situation?.’  I promise, will be way more valuable than diagnosing someone’s character or judging them critically.  I am so smart.

5.     Two’s company, threes a crowd:

I’m a conservative type so my rules are that only he and me are welcome in our union.  By this I mean, only my partner and me are responsible for devising our relationship/life rules together and the rest of you all can settle in around us.  Take a ticket and you will be called up as and when, along with your views and opinions and they’ll be considered by us in due course.  With this crowd control point in mind and coming from the mutual goal of simplicity, consider this; between the two of you there may well be a several million opinions, views, beliefs and values slushing around that need to be accepted, matched and respected.  Then imagine bringing the views of a third or fourth person into the equation.  Family members, ex’s, business contacts!  Exhausting and way too complicated a prospect.  Even for my perfect Einstein esq brain.  So peeps. KISS and then identify who’s on your team and view them as your equal.  Everyone else needs to sit on the subs, quietly and to speak when spoken to. Harsh but fair

 6.     All you need is love:

When people tell me they are scared of something within a relationship, I suggest they smell the beauty of the roses.  Watch out for the pricks.  Inhale and smell.  It’s only good – roses are awesome smelling.  Experiencing fear means you are positioning your head (and nose) the incorrect way around. Likely backwards or up your ass. Eeww. Fear and love are polar opposites and your relationship position should always be love. Remember to keep your eye on the love prize. Simple. Looking back at your past poor experiences, considering the worst case scenario that fyi should only be given validity if you’re Mystic Meg, or giving your ego airtime means you may well miss the beauty of the moment and the view of all the wonderful loving opportunities that may well be laid out for you ahead.  Keep your head in love mode and love mode means facing forwards and being in the present moment.  THE END and simple.  Smell the simple smelling sweet roses stupid.  And for anyone not in love mode, do something different to get you there or get out!   If you do the same as you’ve always done, you’ll get the same as you’ve always got.  It aint rocket science fun seekers.


7.     Imagine the best:

Reacting to your partner’s behaviour in any way other than from love is plain wrong.  Of course we all annoy and infuriate each other and that is fine. (Even I annoy others despite being perfect). Remember sticks and stones will break your bones but words can never hurt you.  Own that.  Respect your partner enough to allow them to own their feelings and react in the moment to their personal situation.  If your partner rants and raves at you aka Gloria in Modern Family, marvel at their glistening white teeth or glossy hair.   Consider yourself a spectator in the complicated version of true life.  Focus on something positive about the situation but do try to refrain from laughing. This is not a good look. Did you ever see an angry duck in Battersea Park?  They peck and squawk and cause water to splash about and then very calmly and serenely the spectacle ends and they float off.  Be in the moment.  Like a duck.  Screaming, argumentative people will eventually exhaust themselves as long as you respond to them with love.  It’s like Newton’s theory of gravity; eventually (and hopefully) the apple may knock them out. (Unconscious and quiet).  If you react to people expressing themselves with aggression or by taking offence seek counselling for your inadequacy/deficiency immediately.  And never consider becoming a bus driver.


8.     Executive summary:

And finally congratulations on being different and perfectly complicated – own it babies.  To anyone who believes they are normal, I salute you.  I salute you for being perfectly and simply deluded.  Normal is indefinable although arguably could be compared to being average. I’m not striving for this in my relationship nor my life. Will you?  With a world totalling billions of incredible individuals, made of a gazillion personality and behaviour types, crack on with your pursuit of finding your perfect partner/life.  I believe they/it is absolutely out there for all of us.  Your process can be simple if we all agree to the following:

Being ‘..Simply complicated is just PERFECT..’ like a duck.  Quack.




* Profit and loss: Muppet.  Read more.  This comment doesn’t apply to my reader’s aged 6 and under.






  1. Crikey Melissa…! How did you know..? Me, that is. You’ve patently been watching,observing me with the eye of an urban cultural anthropologist.

    Or you mus be ‘Mystic Meg’ herself…!

    Reading your newest blog I feel a warm but not gooey mix of emotions. Thank you. I can empathise, identify with all you write.

    Well, all but the ‘Britiain’s Top Model’ thingy… And maybe the ups and dwns of toilet seat etiquette. Keeping that to a cuotural norm, a simplicity, I close the lid as well.

    Gosh, How have you been so prescient? i relate to all else you’ve written. You are a sage. But I feel you’d not tolerate any old Herb. Or Harry. You’ve cobbled this piece well. It’s uncanny. How d you anage it? You’ve described me to a T. Except for maybe the skinny latte. Precious coffee leads to pretentious coffee shops. At least it does here in The Land Downunder.

    Thank you or reminding me that the KISS Principle applies to love, and that ‘want’, by definition can be relative, valid in the First World, as it is in the Third, with different situational meaning, yet equal legitimacy.

    You have sourred, inspired me to take a chance and retun to the jungles of Indonesia to find that mirrored perfection you describe.

    Although I doubt I’ll have a problem with toilet seats and lids in the jungle. There aren’t any.

    Keep above the mundane, dear Melissa. Keep writing so perfecly.

    And as they say in the northern jungles,

    Semper ubi sub bi,

    – Theo. Bennett

  2. Florentine

    i wish i read this earlier, i wish i had my lists of yes’s and no’s but how do you start a relationship off asking the person if they want kids.marriage without totally scaring them off? im in a loving relationship derived from initially a lot of pain and hurt, but learning to forgive has made be love him deeper than i could love. but finding out later on he doesn’t want any(more) kids has hit me hard. im guessing there’s no solution for this? Im 35 and my time is almost up but im in love, so deep i dont want to leave for the sake of having a child and not get to see where this love takes me. yet im constantly eaten up inside, knowing i may live to not have children…. i know you’re not here to give advice, but your writing makes me think i’ve done this all wrong and i’m trapped now… he’s hurt me before and maybe he’ll do it again in future… and by then it will be too late to have kids. sigh………….

    • Dear Florentine. Were you and I separated at birth? You sound as scared, lost and wimpy as I used to be – until I found my self respect. I had never been taught to love myself – au contraire – I never understood the value of self respect, was never mentioned in my feisty inappropriate childhood home. Until very recently. I knew something was missing from my life. I have a partner, a kid, money, friends, my health. Darn it – It niggled me and I had no clue what was prickling at me. My partner changed his mind about kids. I love him with my entire heart but couldn’t get rid of my niggle! Darn it that niggle. I went on a course (Hoffman), read some books and one night, in my sleep the word RESPECT popped up. If he didn’t respect me enough to give me what my heart desired – he deserved to find a woman who he could her what she wanted. So I left my relationship. We are now getting married and god willing, will have a baby soon. Woman! Display some self respect and know your value! There’s billions of people out there in the world. ou have two simple options: accept or do not accept. Either accept his decision – he is allowed to have one too! And if you accept his decision – make the best life you possibly can. Or make an alternative plan. Then you’ll both be happy! Mine decided he wasn’t happy without me and perhaps yours will too. Be loving to you and him. You both deserve it. Good luck x

  3. Florentine

    Hi Melissa, ah I didn’t expect a reply, thank you!! You are so right. I fear a lot of things and these have all stemmed from our past (as opposed to my past), so it is a lot more complicated than it needs to be. For example I know that he will have nowhere to stay or no where to bring his kids if I didn’t give them a roof over their heads. His kids are emotionally unstable because he left a while ago, hence this is his reasons for not wanting more kids; he doesn’t want them to question (anymore) where they stand in his life, by having more kids. He initially said a straight no at first and I was disappointed but wasn’t sure at first. But then the real crunch came out when we became pregnant and “we” aborted instead of saying no, he said if circumstances changes (money and emotional state of his children). But I always question whether he said that so the decision could go his way regarding the abortion…. It’s all a head mess because of money as well, there really is no way in hell we could afford a kid now unless his business improves, then there’s the emotional state of his children. I love them to bits and hate it when they have to go back. However the way I see it is that I see them as my family but there’s a void that doesn’t connect us naturally, and having a kid will bring us altogether like a proper family.
    Anyway, I think I will need to have a lot of soul searching (as if I haven’t done enough), right now we are comfortable where we are…. It’s such a shame us women have timelines to meet…
    Have a lovely weekend!

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