Enter brand Martha Stewart. As wholesome as an NHS dinner, integrity filled as Bashar al-Assad and apparently the quintessential muse for American WASP* inspired Momma’s who feel technologically progressive thanks to Hulu. She was recently filmed dispensing some of her ‘farmed pearls’ of wisdom to the delightfully dysfunctional Bethenny Frankel. She revealed, ‘the best way to get over an ex is to think of them as a piece of you know what.’
Er ex squeeze me, but a ‘you know what’ is the Queen of floral dreams suggesting?! Why is the rebranded jailbird/America’s answer to Mother Theresa taking communication lessons from the verbally challenged Paula Dee? While Martha maintains her illusionary high ground with her command of the Queens England, I’ll, succinctly, summarise her spicy sausage string of words, for a direct translation across the pond. In my most elegant British style:
Shit. Martha thinks her ex is a shit and likely should be treated accordingly in order for her to get over him. Wowzers. Whatever happened to a week under a duvet and nil by mouth other than alcohol n’est pas?
So todays abbreviated blog is inspired by brand Martha, the demonic pigeon that I imagine looks like her pre makeup (it makes me laugh and is linked in no way to the blogs content) and a disposition HRH Stewart appears to be affected by, that I shall Febreezilly™ diagnose as: verbal diarrhoea. Let’s begin todays exciting character assassination/exploration kiddie winkles… Hold your nose, it may get increasingly smelly.
First up I want to discuss my version of getting over a partner.
- If you truly love them, try therapy, alcohol and Chinese water torture to encourage the union to stay in tact. If after listening, understanding, empathising, remaining true to you, reflexology and it still isn’t working? Respect each other’s wishes, cry, loose a tonne of weight, isolate yourself for a short period of time, accept it’s for the best and jog on my dear friends. Metaphorically speaking of course.
- There are billions of people in the world and if Kim Kardashian can marry in 90 days, imagine the new partner opportunities out there for you. Thank your ex for making space for your new beau!
- Try to remember if your ex doesn’t want you, there’s legally very little available for you to do to turn this situation around. Put your best foot forward aka formerly ditched Kate Middleton who FYI is now the Duchess of Cambridge. Imagine Martha in Boujis. Oi vey.
- Never publicly slate your ex. A voodoo doll in the comfort of your own home is perfectly acceptable if you’re applying for a role in One flew over the Cuckoos Nest. Public bitch slapping is the reserve of Simon’s X factor harem aka Sinitta. The newspapers become quickly overcrowded with sloppy sideshows. Popstars the TV show, who?
- Thank your ex. For your imminent weight loss and your soon to occur, move into finding spirituality/Jack Johnson
- Never ever treat or imagine your ex is dog poop. It delays the inevitable learning/healing journey and if we miss out on this experience we might end up like Martha at seventy odd years old. Rich, lonely, generally disliked and dancing around our handbags in the back dance floor of Boujis. And in there my dear friends, it’s dog poop that’s the least of our worries.
Respect yourself friends. Love and best wishes. I’d love to hear what your rules are for getting over a break up.
*WASP= Why Are u So Pretentious?