comments 12

Bye Bye Boring Bullies


I am a mother, of above average weight, above average personality and way too old to be bullied.

But I am.  And it’s very hurtful.

Last week I was touted as a hooker and a kidnapper so this week perhaps I will be pitched as a transgender contender for Berlusconi’s old job.    Let’s first focus on the hooker suggestion.  If I were a hooker I would be a high class one (bullies:  if you’re gonna lie, lie big or go home) and secondly it’s almost an insult to Belle de Jour to lump me in her cellulite free and vejazzled category.  I can only aspire.   And the kidnapping reference.  Don’t people get locked up in Guantanamo bay for that stuff?  I live in Chelsea and freely come and go to Gambardos. The end.

So my inspiration for todays blog is bullies.   Whose escapades L Ron Hubbard may feasibly have dreamt up.   I also would like to lay down some of my personal ground rules for anyone being bullied, either by a group, an individual or via cyber space.

1. When you identify an individual/group as a bully – avoid.  Imagine they are HMRC and you are Starbucks. Do all you can to increase their insignificance in your life  and then run a mile. Even several, unless you have reached my age whereby one mile becomes a near impossibility.  Then, catch a cab.

2. Ignore bullies, never reply, respond, make eye contact or engage.  Would you try to      reason with a Womble from Wimbledon or Kermit the frog?  My son answered yes. For him, I will generously make an allowance, as he is 2 ¾.

3. Know thy self.   Consider what you are being ‘bullied’ for.   Picture the scene when HMRC pointed out to Starbucks they may have been ‘tax evading’.  I doubt Howard Schultz was in tears sipping on his chai latte thinking how cruel life was.  Is there really any truth in what is being spewed out and secondly – do you even care?

4.  Bullies are unsavoury, grumpy individuals.  If you care what they are spouting, consider therapy.  Alternatively understand the only opinions to count are those who love you, care for you and Simon Cowell’s.

5.  Feel sorry for bullies.  Their botox bill will be huge.  Frowning and grumpiness are so bad for business.

And a final note to all of life’s bullies who should always remain faceless.  Seems you have an awful lot of spare time on your hands.   Considering you find me so fabulously interesting – will you do some pro bono work for me?  I have a lot going on and seems you do not.

Tally ho.

UPDATE:  Seems I’m becoming increasingly busy..for any booking enquiries contact:  Darren Michael:  07730010008.



  1. DA Storey

    People tend to project in what they say and how they act based upon what is inside them at that time. It’s is a shame folk waste their time & energy trying to demean or belittle someobody else for their own pleasure or otherwise.

    Remain strong and send them away with love, even if it is in your thoughts not words:)


  2. Jeremy Roberts

    Hi it’s Jeremy how’s things hope all ok

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. Stevey B

    Sorry to read that you’re being subjected to this bs. I’m not in the public eye so have no idea what it’s like – I’m also 6ft+ and 107kg which helps! The internet is clearly a double edged sword which can cut both ways but I’ve never understood those whose sole purpose is to upset and be controversial. Try and ignore them – they are simply not worth the effort.

  4. Ant. C.

    Melissa, the classical reaction to bullying is confrontation, or usually a bully will not stop until forced to. Even if there is a victory it is always won at a price involving emotional, physical and certainly financial assets. The truth always costs. Justice is a fleeting aspiration, uncommon to humanity. In general, people are not nice, only in particular. Like you said these true people are what matters in life and to see the flowering of ones aspirations. A bully has to live with itself.

  5. Glenn

    Reading comments about bullies in newspaper whilst in beautiful chateau in the Dordogne with my daughter

    First time I have blogged ever !

    Send the bullies over to me !


  6. Ayse

    Yey…You are back to blogging, you have been sorely missed!

    I think I have an inkling of the ‘bullies’ that you may be referring to.
    The minute I start to think that they have been blown away, the tumbleweeds return!

    As you know, I have responded to the prickly foliage, but unfortunately not with a huge dose of Round-up.
    Perhaps this is why they keep rearing their ugly heads again and again? Maybe not.

    You are spot on with your ground rules. The humour that you present with it is classic Melissaesque. You never fail to please.

    What’s really needed I feel though, is for you to be named ‘Mother of The Year’…. then they can stick that in their pipe and smoke it to the sound of bongo drums.

    Ayse xx

  7. G’day Melissa…!
    Missed you.
    Glad to hear from you. Sad to read you’ve been subjected to such abuse. I empathise well.
    Shame bullies, shame.
    Still, they’ve picked on the wrong gal this time…!…
    More power to you and to your pen…
    Fond wishes,

    – Theo. Bennett

  8. Don Feiam

    Hi Melissa,
    Nice to have you back.
    As a father of a 17, almost 18, year old daughter, I’ve found girls to be the worst bullies by a long shot. I’m 6’2″ and around 110kg and don’t ever recall being bullied or picked on. This is very handy when it comes to men but nothing to a loud mouthed teenage female bully. You’re 100% right with your advice to ignore. Nothing annoys a bully more than going unnoticed. Of course having a stern word with their parents certainly puts the cat among the pigeons, only as a last resort of course. Happy parenting! 🙂

  9. Hi Melissa It was lovely to hear your tweets but I realise that you don’t need the hassle of cretins ruining it all. All the best, your twitter friend, The Markster1956

  10. Hello Mel,
    Glad to hear from you again.It doesnt matter where you go,or what you do.There always seems to be some people who cant mind their own buisness,and like to interfere and spoil other people’s lives.(jealousy ?)
    Take care and best wishes to you Mel. x

  11. Rebecca Pritchard

    You really are amazing and so pragmatic. These bullies clearly have way too much time on their hands and as you say are vicious mean people, clearly they had some childhood trauma in their lives so guess you’ve gotta feel sorry for them too. Seems the law may well be catching up with them. Bring on the naming and shaming I say! x

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