I am a mother, of above average weight, above average personality and way too old to be bullied.
But I am. And it’s very hurtful.
Last week I was touted as a hooker and a kidnapper so this week perhaps I will be pitched as a transgender contender for Berlusconi’s old job. Let’s first focus on the hooker suggestion. If I were a hooker I would be a high class one (bullies: if you’re gonna lie, lie big or go home) and secondly it’s almost an insult to Belle de Jour to lump me in her cellulite free and vejazzled category. I can only aspire. And the kidnapping reference. Don’t people get locked up in Guantanamo bay for that stuff? I live in Chelsea and freely come and go to Gambardos. The end.
So my inspiration for todays blog is bullies. Whose escapades L Ron Hubbard may feasibly have dreamt up. I also would like to lay down some of my personal ground rules for anyone being bullied, either by a group, an individual or via cyber space.
1. When you identify an individual/group as a bully – avoid. Imagine they are HMRC and you are Starbucks. Do all you can to increase their insignificance in your life and then run a mile. Even several, unless you have reached my age whereby one mile becomes a near impossibility. Then, catch a cab.
2. Ignore bullies, never reply, respond, make eye contact or engage. Would you try to reason with a Womble from Wimbledon or Kermit the frog? My son answered yes. For him, I will generously make an allowance, as he is 2 ¾.
3. Know thy self. Consider what you are being ‘bullied’ for. Picture the scene when HMRC pointed out to Starbucks they may have been ‘tax evading’. I doubt Howard Schultz was in tears sipping on his chai latte thinking how cruel life was. Is there really any truth in what is being spewed out and secondly – do you even care?
4. Bullies are unsavoury, grumpy individuals. If you care what they are spouting, consider therapy. Alternatively understand the only opinions to count are those who love you, care for you and Simon Cowell’s.
5. Feel sorry for bullies. Their botox bill will be huge. Frowning and grumpiness are so bad for business.
And a final note to all of life’s bullies who should always remain faceless. Seems you have an awful lot of spare time on your hands. Considering you find me so fabulously interesting – will you do some pro bono work for me? I have a lot going on and seems you do not.
UPDATE: Seems I’m becoming increasingly busy..for any booking enquiries contact: Darren Michael: firstname.lastname@example.org 07730010008.